i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You dont lie about slip and slides
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
