I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
