you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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