he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
