Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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