What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
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