i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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