I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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