Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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