I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
