My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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