Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
