Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
