when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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