I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
