This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
