I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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