I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
