I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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