Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize