Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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