i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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