she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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