Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
