R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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