can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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