Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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