im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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