How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
