It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
