make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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