You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
