so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
