i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
