So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
