You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
