I faked an abortion last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
