I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
