After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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