I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
