she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You're like the curious george of whores
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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