youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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