Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
