I checked into jail on foursquare
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
