You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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