there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
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I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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