he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
