I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
