the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
