The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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