thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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