He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
