one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
