just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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