i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
