I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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