I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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