are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
