Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
